From The Beginning

Before the second chapter can be written, the first one must be told...

A little over a year from now we were in their desert. Where my IFs (intended Fathers), Papa and Daddy live. Our purpose.. to get pregnant.

We had been trying for a few months, the first try ending in a chemical pregnancy, followed by a second "shot in the dark" try because, well.. I never did get a signal on my ovulation. We were using the CBE Fertiliy Monitor, and days passed without it showing me the little eggie we were all anticipating. Most likely my cycle was a little confused by the previous chemical pregnancy. Nevertheless we tried anyways, twice in the same month actually. What we will call the second/third attempt, did not work either.

The next month was February and we were back on track. Everything was perfect. Bear and I drove to their desert where we had an IUI done as soon as we arrived. Then, on Sunday morning.. March 1st, 2009.. we found out we were pregnant. We can coin the phrase third time's a charm because technically this would have been our third month of trying.. but I like the number four much better. It took four of us to do this, with the help of some amazing Dr's of course, and altogether four tries. Therefore, fourth time was our charm and his name is McQueen.

Fast forward 9 months to October 23rd, 2009 and this is the story of McQueen's arrival, through my eyes..

It was a Friday and I had an early morning appointment with Dr. Morse. Bear and I slipped out of the house quietly trying not to disturb the guys too much. After all, if this was going to be "the day" they would need all the rest they could get.

The walk to Cedars-Sinai was just as brief as it was the few times before. I tried my hardest to walk with determination. I wanted to stir up some more contractions, hoping I had made some progress from the last time the Dr checked me just a few days prior. I wasn't surprised when she told me my cervix was still only at 3-4cm dilated. The same measurement I had been told over and over again for the last two and a half weeks. After miles of walking, millions of squats and even some silly 'home remedies' this baby wouldn't budge. I thought it to be strange, my third child and I was progressing slower than with my first two. Babies come in their own time and every pregnancy is different. Although, I have never experienced a labor without the aid of pitocin.. and this one wasn't going to be any different.

Dr. Morse had noticed an extremely slight elevation to my blood pressure (probably from the brisk walk and a bit of anxiety). She was a little concerned sending me "home" for the weekend if it could potentially increase. So, off to L&D (Labor and Delivery) we walked. I stopped on the bridge to call the guys and I think I had to tell Papa three times that I wasn't pulling his leg. This was it!

We had left my hospital bag at the house so we asked them to bring it and few other things. When we got to the check in counter at L&D there was a sign stating due to the H1N1 virus, the hospital will only allow 2 people in the L&D room at a time. What?! How can this be? We specifically asked the Dr if we could have both guys and Bear in the room with me. I was crushed. How was I going to tell them that only one of them could be in the room with me at a time? How could I tell one of these soon-to-be Fathers they would be missing their son's birth?

When we got in to my room I begged my nurse to try and help us with our dilemma. I explained to her that this was a surrogacy and that the Fathers needed to be in this room supporting my labor and delivery just as much as my Partner did. She did a little convincing with the head nurse who plead our case to some other "higher ups" and viola.. our team of four was allowed in the room. I breathed a sigh of relief and thanked my wonderful nurse, who later proved herself to be just as amazing.

The Dr came in to check on me and break my bag of water while my nurse started my IV of pitocin. The guys arrived with my bag in tow and my nurse helped me change in to my own comfy night gown (preferred over the scratchy hospital issued gowns). I settled in to the bed and we all enjoyed a happy moment.

Looking at the beautiful view from my room. More appropriate than cliche, behind the lofty buildings below, the landscape displayed the infamous Hollywood Sign. How ironic.. yet iconic.

The entire time I was in Hollywood there were two things I was dying to see. One being paparazzi. I have seen my fair share of celebrities, but I have never seen paparazzi in person. The second being the Hollywood sign. I searched the hills during our drives, looking for this landmark. It wasn't until this day, sitting in the hospital room, awaiting a sweet boy's arrival.. that I was finally able to enjoy it.

Sitting in the bed I looked up and noticed the circular reflection in the delivery room light. It looked like an eye, the outer rim taking the shape of an iris while the darkened center appeared to be the pupil. I had found my focal point.

It didn't take long for the pitocin to fill my veins and harden my uterus. Bringing on waves of contractions that were stronger and more steady than the ones I had been experiencing the past few weeks. I was still smiling and carrying on lite conversations at this point. The nurse turned up my pitocin every 30 minutes, which for me was a little annoying. I knew my body and I know how well I respond to medication, especially pitocin. But, protocol is protocol I guess. As I breezed through the easier contractions the guys practiced swaddling and shared lunch with Bear.

The contractions were growing stronger. I started breathing louder and smiling less. The guys decided to leave us to labor for a little bit while they walked downstairs to the cafeteria. I looked up at that eye again. This time staring with intent, forcing the pupil to expand and dilate as I welcomed the waves. I wanted to feel the thunder in my body grow more forceful.

Holding my hand was Bear, my partner, my coach, my confidant. Gently guiding me through each contraction.. reminding me so sweetly to breathe, to focus, to carry on. My nurse was there as well, praising Bear for her amazing support as the intensity grew with each wave. At this point I could not stay in the bed any longer. My body was antsy, signaling it was time to get up and move around my room. Bear kept me calm, encouraging me through every rush.

The nurse showed her how to move the bed so that I could labor in various positions. They were both really good about letting me do whatever worked best for me. Bear massaged my lower back and hips, in each strange position I tried to find comfort in. My pelvis ached and my muscles tensed as each wave crashed in to me.

Whispering in my ear, she reminded me to breathe. To relax my shoulders and make noise if I needed too. My arms wrapped around her neck, hips swaying back and forth, we slow danced to the rhythm of the waves.

I was on my knees at one point, crouched over the bed.. breathing deep and moaning some. Bear holding a heating pad on the small of my back, I felt some pressure and a quick warmth crawled over my entire body. I asked Bear to call the nurse so she could check me. I didn't think I was complete just yet. I just thought maybe I was close but I was too nervous to wait any longer to see. The nurse came in and checked me. She, pleasantly surprised.. I disappointed a tad.. was (only) at 6cm.

My pain tolerance is extremely high. When the contractions first started I told my nurse the pain was about a 4 on a scale from 1-10. I also told her my tolerance is probably an 8 or 9. I explained to her that I wanted to do this completely natural. No pain medication whatsoever. So, after she checked my cervix and I was only a 6, I was a little discouraged. She asked me what the pain level was at now and I honestly answered 7! I thought to myself at this point -- can I do this? Can I make it to 10cm without any pain relief?

The thunderous waves were crashing on me hard now, they were taking over my entire body, even my mind. As I started to get a little irritable, losing my focus, she was there. Talking in to my ear again, telling me I was doing great.

Dragging my feet in disappointment, I decided to go pee. Sitting on the toilet was oddly comfortable. It took all the pressure and weight off of my hips and I enjoyed gripping the metal safety bar during contractions. I stayed there for a couple contractions, but the pain was getting intense. I started feeling more pressure and pain than ever. During one strong rush, I felt a burning sensation ripping me apart inside. I cried out to Bear, telling her I didn't think I could do this. I was losing my confidence fast. But there she was again, lifting me up as I was slipping away. Telling me I can do this.

She placed a cold washcloth on the back of my neck as heat instantly stained my skin red. The nurse and Bear quickly lifted me off the toilet asking me to come back to the bed so I could be checked again. I was trying my hardest to walk to the bed but the intensity of a wave crashed in to my body with such force it consumed me completely. The pressure was so strong I feared the baby was going to slip out of me and on to the floor. The nurse let me remain standing as she checked me again. I was expecting to hear that I was 8cm dilated. Instead I heard, 'oh my.. you are complete'!

There was a quick excitement as Bear called the guys. The nurse told Bear to call her if I felt like the baby was coming as she left in a hurry to call Dr. Morse. Another contraction loomed and I cried out to Bear, telling her I needed to push. Still standing, alone in the room just her and I, she quickly placed me on to the bed. Lying on my side, I didn't move. I was trying my hardest to keep him inside of me, waiting for everyone to arrive.

It wasn't long before the room was filled again. Everyone was there casually chatting in excitement. The Doctor was suiting up leisurely, assuming I had received an epidural. The nurses and midwife informed her that I did not have any pain medication whatsoever. This seemed to motivate her to speed up her routine. As the next rush came over my body I told everyone that he was coming out.

Dr. Morse was amazing. She let me stay in the position I was comfortable to deliver in, lying slightly on my side with my legs resting on the bed. I gripped Bear's hand tightly, buried my face in to her chest and let out a deep scream. This time I didn't try to hold him in. I let my body do what it had wanted to do. I felt the burning fire tear through my insides again as I continued to moan. The Doctor asked me to push, but before I could even try to she asked me to stop. She gently rotated his body and he slipped out of me. She placed his warm slippery body on to my chest.

Entering in to this world, from my womb and into our hearts, McQueen was born.

As we marveled over this tiny soul the essence of euphoria filled the room.

Later that night the new Daddies fed their son for the first time

To see them.. relishing in this moment, my heart is filled. This little charm we worked so hard to create. This "gift" I have bestowed.. is ultimately my reward!