Our ultrasound is tomorrow. We are planning to see one strong healthy heartbeat. We did have a quick scan done at 4 weeks 4 days, which revealed one little sac. The sac was empty as expected, so we are very excited to see what is in store for us tomorrow.
I had a dream the other night. I dreamt that when we went in for the ultrasound they found more than one baby. Normally I would not have these thoughts. But with the last pregnancy and my extremely high (like in the triplet range) beta hCG numbers, I have had some fears. I will admit, I have been reading online about identical twins and hidden twins.
Unlike so many others who get great excitement out of these possibilities, I fear it. I don’t have the best experiences with twins.
McQueen was a twin. During our cycle to conceive him, we had an ultrasound that showed I had two mature follicles. The OB said that it did not mean I was going to release both eggs. Hyperovulation and fraternal twins run in my family. Needless to say, I did release both eggs because we quickly found out that I was pregnant with fraternal twins. Baby A and B were both perfect growing and thriving in the best possible way. We scheduled our 11 week nuchal translucency scan so that the guys could come to the appointment and see their babies in person for the first time.
Two weeks prior to the appointment I was in the shower one morning when I discovered I had a dark pinkish rash from head to toe, literally covering my entire body. I had gone to a dermatologist as well as the OB. Both could not diagnose me with anything particular, but my OB did a quick scan in which showed both babies to be doing fine.
On April 24, 2009 we found out baby A had passed. I was crushed. I immediately felt as if it was my body. The room was so silent as we were all in shock. The Dr. came in to the room to talk with us. He explained that it appeared to be a viral infection and that baby A had passed because of it. He said that baby B was still alive but at this point it was touch and go. Both babies had been exposed to parvovirus (fifth’s disease). The viral infection is not harmful to anyone except the unborn fetus. It caused both babies to experience severe anemia, in which extra fluid built up around them and ultimately caused baby A’s heart to stop beating. A perfectly healthy child was lost.. and for what?
The rash I had experienced two weeks prior was contracted from an outbreak at my child’s pre-school. The school failed to notify any of the parents of this outbreak. I only learned about it that same day, when I received a frantic call to pick Dylan up immediately because he appeared to have the same rash and two of his teachers were pregnant. I was devastated and furious. I could not believe the negligence on the school’s part. If I would have known about this, I would have taken better precautions and McQueen would have a brother or sister in this world.
Losing a child, whether yours or another’s is never any easy experience..
My first surrogacy I was a Gestational Carrier. I transferred and carried two little embryos that were conceived from another couple (Mother and Father). The embryos were not genetically tested and I became pregnant with fraternal twins. The fetuses did not continue life past 10-11 weeks. One heart stopped beating around 8 weeks and the other was found without a heartbeat at the 11 week scan. I was told that the largest fetus looked like it had a demise around week 10 with some unusual fluid retention in the nuchal fold. Based on the ultrasonographer and two OB’s determination, there was most likely a genetic abnormality. I was crushed.
Because of the gestational age and the amount of tissues in my uterus, my Dr. suggested that I have a D&C. I was terrified. But my OB explained that letting the POC pass on their own could be very risky to my health as I would most likely need a blood transfusion and possibly an emergency D&C to remove any remaining tissues. The parents had expressed their desire to test the tissues for abnormalities and letting the fetuses pass on their own may not allow them this test. So based on all of this information, I decided to schedule a D&C almost a week out. This way, if I started to pass the tissues on my own, I could try going without the D&C.
Unfortunately, my body did not want to miscarry. I remained “pregnant” until my D&C was preformed. And as an added ‘kick’ after the procedure, my breasts swelled and my milk came in. The loss of this pregnancy was very traumatic for me. I had never experienced anything like this before. I felt as if I had disappointed the Intended Parents. I failed at giving them something they wanted so badly and I felt the brunt of that. I was left feeling as if my friendship with the Mother was being jeopardized because of it.
Any ill feelings I felt because of the loss were medicated by warmth I received from her later on. I was reassured of our friendship and of the potential to give them another chance at their dream. Sadly, I was not respected the same through a second and third attempt at pregnancy. I was left to feel used and empty. Like a failure all over again. I ignored those feelings and the concerns so many of my friends had for me. Even after learning of deceptions on her part, I held on to that friendship. Until she decided that she no longer cared for me because of someone else’s deceit and the life choices I decided to make.
I have learned and grown so much in the past few years. I no longer agonize over these past events as failures to a complete a dream. Instead I look at them as tiny bricks laid along the path that leads through the ultimate journey of life. Even though those bricks didn’t fit well in to the ultimate scheme, they still played a significant part in getting me where I am today. If you know me well, you will know one of my biggest motto’s.. “everything happens for a reason”.
So, during my crazy twin dream the other night, I realized something. I had been panicking over the thought of twins since I had a strikingly positive pregnancy test at 9dpo. If everything happens for a reason and we are only given what we can handle in life.. why am I stressing?
As I told Papa today.. I am determined to make this pregnancy as chill as possible. And that is how I feel right now.
Peace.
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