This is the story of how we ended up from this..
my last pregnant photo
..to this, in the very same day.
The day started off with a beautiful morning. Bear and I took a nice walk to the coffee bean for some treats. The day before we had made plans to go to the zoo and for some reason we just didn't get around to it that day.
We lazed about the house while the guys were out. I was having steady contractions for hours, but I didn't want to get excited in the fear that they would fizzle out.
37 weeks 4 days
By the time Papa and Daddy returned, the length and intensity of the contractions had grown stronger and more consistent.
Breathing through the climax of a wave, Papa asked me what the plan was. I looked over at him with a perplexed expression and asked what he meant. I knew exactly what he meant actually, I just didn't want to admit to myself that this could actually be it.
He asked me how I was feeling about the contractions and if I thought we should start heading to the hospital since they had remained steady for hours. I shrugged it off saying that I thought they were good ones but definitely not time to go anywhere just yet.
We made plans for his sister to come stay the night so someone would be here with McQueen in the event we needed to go to the hospital. I started to get a little stir crazy, I wanted to take a walk outside but something made me feel like I shouldn't. so I told Papa that it might not be a bad idea for his sister to come over a little earlier than we had planned.
I tried walking around the house but found myself getting more anxious. So I sat on the couch with my feet up breathing and concentrating, while Bear timed each surge that flowed through me.
It was so hard to find focal points in the house. Bear put on the national geographic channel which had a series of aquamarine life. It was very soothing to watch schools of fish, dolphins and whales swim through water. At one point there were waves tumbling and crashing on the screen. I almost laughed out loud because the ocean-wave visual is something natural childbirth educators suggest using during labor.
McQueen was playing in the living room with his toys and came over to me to say hello. I can't remember who, but someone started to take him away thinking it would bother me during a contraction. I quickly told them not to.. watching him made me smile and that helped me through it.
I'm pretty sure Buzz knew his big brother was out there waiting for him.
My laughter seemed to lighten my body and prevent my muscles from tensing up. I made a mental note of this comfort and continued to relax my shoulders and hips during more waves.
A little while later I was sitting on the couch next to Bear with my legs across her lap. We were talking and i suddenly felt a hard pop low in my belly. I would describe the feeling like a rubber band snapping inside me. my eyes grew wide and I asked, "what was that"?! She asked me what I meant and I quickly stood up to see if it was my bag of water. I didn't feel anything so I went to the bathroom.
When I sat on the toilet I expected a gush. When nothing happened I started to wonder what exactly that feeling was, I had never felt anything like that before. Within minutes I experienced the strongest rush so far that day. Still sitting on the toilet, my stomach tightened with such intensity, I felt as if I couldn't move an inch. I looked up frantically trying to find a light or something to stare at..
Transitions
On the wall across from me was this awful piece of art hanging above the bathtub. It was an abstract doodle of sorts that I could not stand looking at for the past week. With my eyes I began tracing the thick black scribbled lines, taking in deep breaths and exhaling until the intensity died down. Who knew something I despised so much would become the best focal point I had that night.
When I left the bathroom and walked in to the bedroom, I was not sure what to think. Bear came to check on me and I told her that if I had another contraction like that one we needed to head to the hospital.
I had been away from everyone for a good few minutes and I knew they would start to worry. I told Bear I didn't want the guys to over react. So I asked her to casually mention that we might want to get our things together and head to the hospital within the hour.
I started packing the last of my things when another surge crept in. Hunched over the bed, I desperately searched the room for a focal point. Unsuccessful, I began losing a bit of control as the wave crashed over me. I was trying my hardest not to alarm anyone, but it was getting increasingly difficult to stay quiet.
[There are times in life when one may feel significantly small compared to the colossal moment swirling around them. When time slows down and instinct takes over, dictating every action and emotion. these moments are the most cognizant of any. Thousands of thoughts run through your mind, yet you remain focused and keen. The rush of endorphins flood your body and lift you high. This suspended peak of clarity can be so thrilling it can feel like a drug. Did you ever think something called 'labor' would feel so exhilarating?]
When Bear walked back in to the room and looked at my face, she knew. I told her to get my things and that I would tell the guys. So I walked in to the living room and told Papa that we needed to leave now. He seemed very calm and said okay. I got my shoes on and grabbed my purse and pillow.
I could feel the rush of another one tightening around me. I quickly wrapped my arms around Bear's neck and we were back to where we had been when I was laboring with McQueen. Swaying from side to side, her arms wrapped around my hips. She whispered keep breathing in to my ear and told me how good I was doing. I swiped my nose up and down her neck. The smell of her cologne and the warmth of her skin was very soothing to me.
This was the first hard contraction the guys had witnessed me having. I'm not sure if that is when the panic ensued but I'm thinking it may have initiated some commotion. Later i would learn that this was the moment Bear really knew I was ready. In fact, she was a little concerned that I had waited too long..
We headed outside to get in to the car but halfway in the street I had to pause during another contraction. Bear assumed the same position, talking me through it while I nuzzled my nose in to her neck again.
Later that night, I realized that I must have dropped my pillow I was carrying because there is now a permanent asphalt stain on my beautiful Calvin clean pillow case. It marks a forever memory of that moment in which I will always treasure.
The ride to the hospital was (and still is) a blur. Papa was driving, Bear and Daddy were in the back, and I was sitting in the front seat. This was probably the most difficult part of my labor. Poor Papa was rushing to get to the hospital while Daddy was trying to get a hold of our OB. Bear was trying to give directions to Papa and keep me calm all at the same time. It was pure chaos and I began to hit transition really hard at this point.
Anyone who knows what transition is like, understands what I mean when I say your mind starts to do funny things. I believe this was the moment when I became introverted. Speaking only in short direct phrases.
The rushes grew so intense I started cursing, worrying that we wouldn't make it. Pitbull was blaring on the radio and Bear shouted to Papa to turn it down or put something soothing on. But I protested, asking them to leave it on. For some odd reason the syncopated beat of the music was helping my body relax as my mind was a whirlwind..
"This Ain't My First Rodeo"
When we pulled up to the emergency room entrance, everyone exited the car but Papa and me. The car still needed parking and I just could not move.
I love to move around during labor. The more movement, the better the baby's position and the better my body works. But this time, I felt like we might not make it all the way to labor and delivery if I so much as stood up.
So I asked for a wheelchair, not caring what anyone thought of me and eased my body in to that seat saying a silent affirmation oh, sweet baby boy.. please don't come down just yet.
I was wheeled to the little window at the entrance of labor and delivery. I breathed a small sigh of relief. We had made it all the way up here and the baby was still inside me! But my rejoice was quickly dampened by realization.
A thick layer of glass separated me from the admissions clerk. She was a woman just like me. Yet I found no sympathy with her for our situation. She had made it apparently clear that we were not going anywhere until she had some information first. Amid the swirls and whirls of my mind, and in between the scribbles of information I jotted down, I was able to find humor in my confusion.
Isn't this the part where they frantically wheel the screaming woman in to a room so she can quickly deliver the baby that is crowning and afterwards everyone can have a good laugh about how close they were to delivering a baby in the hallway?
[Queue reality -- Apparently it's extremely important for hospital staff to get signatures on paperwork and insurance information, even if you already pre-registered in advance. And even months later, after you have filled out and signed enough paperwork to be considered for a home loan, you will find that information to have been input in to their system incorrectly.]
So I did what they asked in between contractions and signed what probably looks nothing like my signature on their forms. A nurse came back to let us know my room was ready for me, but the admitting staff was still needing more information.
I was beginning to have hard rushes and sitting down during them sucked to put it lightly. Bear could sense this and she immediately went in to action, just like she always does. I am forever grateful to have a partner that is so in tune with my needs that I don't ever have to make mention of them.
She told them to take me and she would be right behind us. What? I wanted to yell screw them and what they need, just come with me. But I somehow hadn't completely lost my mind at that point and thought it might be considered a little obnoxious.
It's quite funny how polite I remained during all of this. Looking back now it's obvious.. if you want people to believe you are going to have a baby at any given moment, you need to scream and be ridiculously dramatic. Smiling in between waves of intensity, saying please and thank you, breathing deep and hard while concentrating, will get you absolutely nowhere.
As soon as we arrived at the delivery room I stood up. Standing there frozen in place, I looked up at Daddy and said oh $%*#! and before we knew it there was amniotic fluid everywhere. I had a feeling this would happen and I was so thankful for asking for that wheelchair.
At this point I felt the baby fully engage. The nurse began leisurely asking me a series of questions. In between shallow breaths and waves of intensity I half-answered the few I thought were actually important.
"how long are your contractions and how far apart?"..
um, i don't know
I frantically tore at my clothing, stripping down while shouting orders at Daddy to get my night gown out of my bag. a simple brown gown with light pink piping. It was one of two gowns I picked out when I was pregnant with McQueen. I now have both tucked away in a drawer as keepsakes.
"what number baby is this for you?"..
uhh, this will be my fourth delivery
"baby number four!?"
yeah, this ain't my first rodeo
Yes, those words actually came out of my mouth and it wouldn't be the last time they did that night.
Chaotic Bliss
These are those incandescent moments of clarity.. the ones in which your body just sets in to motion to do what it is compelled to do. What a woman instinctively is born to do.
As the nurse calmly asked me to get on to the bed so she can check me another rush came over me and I immediately felt that oh so familiar pressure. I remembered this feeling when I had McQueen. and I remember telling Bear I was afraid he was going to fall on to the floor and that if she wanted me on that bed she was going to have to put me there. And she did.
This time, I was ready.. no assistance necessary. I told the nurse he was coming now and climbed on to that bed. Okay, actually it was more like "screw that lady, he is coming now!"
Bear returned just in time for that rush to take over me. Assuming the position, she stood by my side to comfort and encourage. Partially naked with my gown barely covering the top half of me, I moaned and grunted my way on to that tiny sliver of a mattress they call a bed. I'm not sure if nurse Crystal really checked me or noticed the crowning of a baby head, but she did declare me complete with an "oh my" statement. And from that moment on she trusted every movement my body made and every word that came out of my mouth. A nurse I first thought to be irritating became my second favorite hospital staff member, besides my first delivery nurse with McQueen.
"Do what feels right, you are amazing", said the nurse. Closing my eyes I tried to focus as I grunted and groaned. Bear held my hand, stroked my hair and whispered gentle affirmations in my ear. I could feel Buzz's head pressing against my bones as my stomach tightened.
I could hear the nurse tell the attending physician that my OB still hadn't arrived. Where was my Dr? Even worse.. where was Papa?!
In between my animal-istic noises I did a quick head count. We were one father short. I turned to Daddy, looking him dead in the eyes, asking if Papa was going to make it in time. He was frantically dialing his number over and over with no response. At that point I could care less if my OB was there for delivery. I didn't need a Dr to deliver this baby. I knew what i needed to do to get him out. But both his daddies had to be there for this!
Within seconds Papa flew in to our room just as another wave crashed in to me. I could no longer speak. My body only made noises and thrusts as I was in the thralls of hard labor. Another nurse had come in to start an IV. I wanted to tell her no, but my body was limp and words escaped my mouth as I rested in between the rushes. I was relieved when I heard Bear and Daddy tell her no pitocin.. she doesn't want any pitocin.
I can't express how grateful I am to have such wonderful, supportive and loving people in my life. When you are pregnant you are no longer making decisions for yourself, you are making them for another life. But when you are a surrogate, you are making choices beyond that. You are making decisions for someone else's child and the balance of your needs coupled with theirs is a very delicate harmony. To have a partner and two father's (two friends) respect me and my child birth choices.. well, it's just a beautiful symphony.
As another wave crashed in to my body and all I could think to do was push. Eyes tightly closed, I pushed harder as the intensity grew. I felt the worst burning and tearing sensation that I have ever experienced. I was in my own world.. I heard the words "just cut it, please just cut it". I swore Buzz was stuck and they were going to cut me to get him out! My mind went to the materials I read on babies with shoulder dystocia and what to do if they got stuck. I was thinking to myself, I need to move.. I need to do the gaskin-maneuver! but all I could do was push harder.
Until I heard Bear tell me to stop.
I opened up my eyes and saw Buzz half way on the bed between my legs. His head and shoulders came out so quickly there was no time to turn them and he was born occiput posterior. At that moment I realized he was actually outside of my body for the first time. I immediately began to cry it was so surreal. Bear kept saying, "he's okay, it's okay".. "remember, he's getting oxygen from the cord". but I was still so confused as to what happened.
This part of the story i learned after his birth
When Buzz came out he was blueish-grey. The cord was wrapped so tightly from his neck to belly button, the doctor was afraid it would tear which could cause him to hemorrhage. To prevent this from happening, she had to slowly clamp the cord before cutting it in order to unravel it from around his neck. As soon as she did all this he became more pink and even gave a little cry to let us know he was in fact okay.
Buzz was born at 8:38pm on a Friday night. he was 7lbs 5 oz. He was and still is perfect in every way.
daddies times two
sweet little wolf
uncle nene, our first visitor
"A baby is an angel whose wings decrease as his legs increase."
oh bold and beautiful mama-warrior. oh, you have walked the path of labor and birth, that spiral labyrinth where we cross one threshold into another. you capture so tenderly the raw and huge emotions and energy of birth. such beauty lies here, in those spaces between the words you write. breath. breath. breath. only breath. it is all we need .it contains love. you are love incarnate and thank you so much for sharing the story of your little wolf's powerful birth. you move me so deeply.
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